Alderian’s psychology is based on 2 major principles:

1. Trauma doesn’t exists
2. Inter personal relationships are root cause behind problems

No experience can cause trauma instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences but the meaning we give them is self determining

Childhood abuse or other incidents have do impact on our life but nothing is deterministic

Life is something we choose ourself

All our behaviour has a specific reason be it self attention or some other inner desires , but is not directly related to trauma.

Getting in the way / intervening in other people’s task is cause of interpersonal issues.

Parents follow the ideology of its for your own good to force their kids to do things, but actually they are looking out to full fill their own desires like being able to boast around their friends, or to save their face that their son is not doing well.

Child senses such emotions and that’s why he/she rebels against it.

Intervening into other people’s task turns into full of hardship and struggle. it is unlikely that someone will always live upto your expectations.

All you have to do is to be their to guide and support. Once the person senses that the mentor is doing this deed not for himself, then child will listen much more carefully.

We might get worried and want to intervene at times but a child life is his own and not your life.

Most relationship today are based on reward ties. ie. i did this for you now you do this for me. Such a releation can never progress. and same is the case with parent child relationship

Having some distance is necessary for a good relation ship but not that much that the person becomes unreachable.

We create distance when we are too much involved or when we are too far. There is a fine line. If a parent scolds the child too much a distance is created between them.

A child who never faces challenges can never learn to overcome challenges on their own.

Good interpresernal relationships also give out the most amount of happiness.

And if we remove the self interest from a relationship and look each relationship as living harmonously with community we can gain happiness from it.

Vertical relationship: when a human feels a superior to one . that relationship is a veritical relationship. And one tries to enforce certain behaviours or rules in such relaitonship. But this contradicts the point that each person has his/her objectives and interveneing will cause interpersonal conflicts.

Alderian suggests the idea of horizondal relationship where there is no herarchy in any sort of relationship. Even in parent child relationship.

We should always treat each relationship as a community and behave as the community wants to in order to be happy.

And its perfectly fine to leave a community behind if the ideology of a community doesnt agree with you. Similar to how you change jobs or state or country.

Self centeredness is a way of seeking recognition. One who only cares about self in a community, he will feel a sense of Vertical relationship with others and will be the cause of interpersonal issues.

And thus its hard to live in harmony with community with self centeredness

Alderian’s pshycology is against praise and doing opposite i.e. critercism is completely out of the question.

Praising a child or an employee once he does a good job is sort of a manipulation. Giving honest feedback when asked for is okay but not otherwise. False compliments or praise is sort of a manipluation i.e. you are looking out to get some benefit out from this.

Instead one must look out for encouragement, i.e. to assist his child to give him courage to complete or do his task. Over coming fear is the hardest thing and giving courage is the best form of help that can be provided.

you just need thankyou if some one does a task to help you out. With grattitude the other person will understand that you needed something from him/her and you got it in the end.

But praise words like good job is not very clear. he might still have doubts whether he was of some help or not.

Self worth of an individual in a community is defined by to how many people this person can be of use. This is the true self worth of any individual. the more people you can help the more you are worthy.

For example if a person is bed ridden and cant do anything that doesnt mean he doesnt have any self worth. It is the pshycological support he is providing to rest of his family. Being there with someone is also a support that everyone needs and that is his true self worth right now.

It is the concept of not affirm on things that can not be changed or are not in your control. if you are afraid of getting laughed at in a meeting, idea is to go back and gain more courage. Courage will come when you have confidence and confidence will come when you know deeply about the topic in discussion.

This is self realization that i am not perfect and i need to learn.

Trust is when we hope someone will do the right thing but they might not do it. Confidence is the feeling we have someone will do the right thing no matter what.

We should not trust our employees or children, instead we should have an unconditional confidence in them. This is by which we create deep meaningful relationships and avoid interpersonal conflict.

But sad part of this is that others can take advantage of us. And this is true, but when such a relationship fails it will not hurt as it is a shallow relationship and it will eventually fail.

People who are going to take advantage of you will keep on doing that dispite of everything you do.

Even if you are helping other there is a self interest motive behind this i.e. 1. to fit in and 2nd is to have a better self worth. Rich people do this all the time. They do phylanthropy work just to increase their self worth

Workholism is a tool to not be harmonious with your friends and family. You are trying to overpower and not contribute to your family and thus making an excuse that you are busy at work.

But you need to understand that you cant work for ever and you would need support from others eventually and not building a self worth their wont come to much of a use